A New Anniversary

I can't believe it's been a year. A year ago I wrote this and I pretty much decided to completely change my life. I was naive and scared and I had no idea the roller coaster I was in for.

I have no regrets.

Change isn't easy. You don't just wake up one day and think "you know, I think I'll make my life harder today!" But starting over, for me, was first a realization. Then that realization grew and one day I did wake up and said "I'm ready." And now, looking back, I realize that I wasn't ready at all! There is no way to prepare yourself for a total life upheaval. There just isn't. You take the step and feel the air under your feet and hope beyond hope that you land softly.

So, I think the thing people want to know is how the kids and I are doing now.

Me? I still find myself in awe when I describe myself and my life. A year ago I didn't even have my own bank account. Now I just started a new job at one of my favorite places in the whole world (Starbucks. Of course.) I had to learn how to pay bills, along with how to shop at Home Depot and how to kill spiders. And I learned the pride that comes with seeing that paycheck and watching it provide for your needs. Sounds so simple, but it really isn't. Last year we had a Christmas tree with presents all around it. And every one of those presents was provided by some amazing people who love our family. This year, there will be one present for each kid. Those are the presents that I bought and picked with care, and I have to say that I am bursting with excitement over the upcoming Christmas morning. While I am beyond grateful for what we received last year, I am so very proud of our "pauper" Christmas. And I have no doubt my kids will smile just as much.

My new job is coming with two big advantages. One is that I will have insurance. I have not, in my adult life, had dental or vision insurance. When you have my faulty teeth and eyes, that is a major problem. I could weep with relief. The second advantage is that they will be paying for the completion of my degree. Yes, finally, I'm finishing that up! I've already got a semester under my belt and I'm loving it. Yes, the deadlines might kill me and finals gave me an ulcer, but I'm loving it, I promise!

And those are the labels that I find myself wearing. A part time employee, a full time student, and a full time mom. Because even when you share custody, the mom thing is always and forever. I am still getting used to the custody part. While I'm not yet officially a divorcee (which sounds like such a cool word, very misleading) we do have a parenting plan in place and I'm glad. The kids get great quality time with each of their parents and I think they are thriving. While this isn't what anyone plans and hopes for when they first have kids, it isn't as horrific as I'd once thought. My little loves have consistency and they have a Mom and Dad who love them. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it never is. It never was. The progress that they have made in the past year is just astounding to me. A year ago I was worried about regressions and possible behavior problems and speech troubles and all the things that might happen. The road hasn't been bump free but these kids are rocking life right now. I'm so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming.

There is also this big part of my life that you don't hear me talk much about but that doesn't make it any less. I love a woman. And she loves me. She has a little boy with autism and I love him too. I want everyone that reads this to know that just typing this tiny little paragraph makes me smile like you wouldn't believe.

I didn't know that life could be this beautiful and this hard and this rewarding. I'm so very glad I took the step. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. If you are thinking about changing your entire life, think hard. Because it is hard, in case I haven't mentioned that enough. But for me? Worth it. Oh so very worth it.

More Than Just A Job

Today I clocked out from the job I have worked for the last seven months, for the last time.

It wasn't a fancy job. I was a simple sales associate/front desk lackey with part time hours. So, why am I emotional about leaving?

I will tell you the story from the beginning, as all proper stories need to be told. I had realized about a year ago that I needed to work. Outside of the house. I had just come out of the closet and began the process of ending my marriage. And it just hit me.... I have to get a job. Like, where I get hired and clock in and someone pays me a set amount. I hadn't done that since I called in to work the day I went into labor with Diva Girl, who is now seven. I'd worked retail and child care, never finished my degree, and wasn't exactly seeing much for myself in the job prospect department. But I put together a pitiful little resume and sent it out into the world. I went to interviews. I got rejected. I felt embarrassed. All the time, hearing someone else's words inside my head, wondering who on earth would hire me? 

And about 3 months in, I see an ad on craigslist. I call, I apply, I have a little flurry of hope and try to squelch it when they call me back. Much to my shame, I arrive late to the interview. Imagine my shock when they offer me the job! I totally played it cool though, and waited until I got home to do my awkward happy dance that involves lots of flailing limbs.

The first day I was so nervous I thought I might have to duck into the bathroom to hyperventilate for a bit. I have a pretty well documented problem with anxiety that manifests itself in a serious issue making phone calls. And what did my new job require? Oh, just answering the phones all day. And making phone calls all day. My therapist encouraged me to take the job in part to overcome this issue and there were times in that first week I questioned her credentials because it seemed like the stupidest idea ever. But, slowly, surely....I got used to it. It became just another little thing, no big deal. Something that was crippling just months prior! I can't tell you what that has done for me.

But the best thing about this job was the people. For one thing, I was getting out of the house and meeting grown ups! Real live grown ups! That was rather exciting in and of itself. But it became clear fairly quickly that I was working with some rather fabulous human beings. Within a few weeks, I was out at work, and felt completely comfortable. As time went on, these people held my hand through the ups and downs of the divorce process. The support that I got there was beyond what I could have possibly expected. And my boss? She'd been there and done that and had nothing but understanding and wisdom for me. I could not have asked for a better place to take my first steps.

And that's what this place was for me. It was a safe place to take those wobbly first steps into a new life. I remember holding that first paycheck in my hands and seeing that there was enough to pay the fee to file for divorce, with just $6 to spare. I cried. There was so much pride every time I got a check, every time I hit my sales goals, every time I made it through another shift. I had never experienced such independence in my adult life, making my own decisions and having my own money and feeling like I was doing my job well. It gave me some much needed confidence.

Today I clocked out and am leaving my safe place. I know it is the best decision, and I'm excited about the new opportunity I have. But I will always be grateful to the place who gave me a chance and helped me on me feet. They don't know it, but they helped me find a piece of myself. It may have been just your everyday, run of the mill front desk job. But for me? It was so much more.

Belated Birthday

For those of you who didn't notice, I had a birthday this past weekend.

For those of you who did notice, I'm sure you're thinking This is a grown woman, when will she shut up about her birthday already? Soon, I promise you.

Last year I wrote a little diddy about what I wanted to do before I hit thirty. I have another year to go, but it's fun to look back and see the things on that list that I can cross off. But even more fun is to look back on the past year at all the things I've done that didn't make it on that list.

- I got a job. Like, a thing where I show up and someone pays me for doing things pretty decently. I hadn't had a job outside of the house since the day I went into labor with Diva Girl, and I was so nervous. Nervous no one would hire me, nervous I couldn't do the job if someone did hire me. But I found a great spot for myself with really wonderful co-workers and the most understanding boss in the entire universe. Not too shabby.

- I filed for divorce. Big, scary, grown up thing to do. Not a fun process to say the least. But it needed to happen.

- I figured out what I like. It turns out that for many years I've just sort of absorbed what other people liked and never took the time to figure myself out. And you know what? I'm pretty awesome and pretty lame at the same time. I LOVE pop music, winged eyeliner, rum and coke, high waist A-line dresses, and trying new places to eat. I still don't like driving.

- I've grown as a Mama. I used to always be afraid that I was a bad mother. I'm not anymore. I love my kids with all of my heart and have had to do a lot of hard things for them this year, including some of the things listed above. The time I do spend with them now is more precious to me. And maybe they were even a wee bit too dependent on their Mama. Watching them grow is a beautiful thing.

-I got meds. You guys, this is really one of those things that people don't talk about but I go there anyways. It turns out that crying a lot and being kind of mean and not wanting to do anything is not really me! That is Depression/Anxiety Mamasab. The real me is here! The real me still cries over ridiculous things, but not all day long, and she is actually this really motivated and humourous person who likes sunshine and rainbows and singing really loudly in the car. I feel like myself. Meds don't magically make your life better, but the right ones can enable you to handle your life better.

- I got my nose peirced. Wanted to do that since I was 15. Also, I did get that tattoo and I will get more as soon as humanly possible (in other words, I need mo money.)

-I made a bunch of new friends. Met a ton of new people. That isn't an easy thing for socially inept me, but I'm so glad I did it.

-I kept a handful of old friends. The people who have been through the tough stuff with me and are still around? You are priceless. Many people either dropped me or had to be kicked out of my life because they were downright destructive. But I fought for some friendships, and they are absolutely worth it.

- I went back to school. Third time is a charm, right? But seriously, this is my time. I'm still pretty sure I must be crazy to take this on right now, but playing it safe hasn't been in my vocabulary this year.

-I loved. And have been loved in return. And that is the best gift I could have given myself.

Next year is the big 3-0. I can't possibly top the major spoilage that happened this year, but I'm thinking I can't imagine anything better than a big party. Who's in?

Me smiling the big birthday grin I had all weekend

Spring has sprung

I haven't had a computer for a while, so I have been completely out of the blog writting loop. But a dear friend requested a post, so here I am, typing with my thumbs on the tiny screen of my phone. In other words, no commenting on all of the mistakes that are bound to riddle this post.

Spring is here in all of its green glory. I think the kids and I are spring people. I'm not exactly an outdoor girl. I admire nature until I have to be out in it and am faced with the reality of bugs and itchy grass. But there is something about spring that makes even me want to be outside.

Spring is lush and green and brings the feeling of promise with it. I know the new year is when people tend to make their resolutions and look hopefully into the future, but I find myself doing that on a lovely spring afternoon. This is when I resolve to eat more fruits and veggies (a resolution that never quite sticks) and spend less time on my phone. Spring awakens my optimism and stirs up hope. Sitting on my patio, in the shade of five big beautiful trees, with the breeze rustling through the leaves and listening to the sound of birds chirping and children playing...how can I be anything less than optimistic?

The kids play outside for hours a day. They run and dig and collect branches to swing around alarmingly. They eat outside and play outside and don't even seem to notice that they are surviving just fine on less Disney. There is chase and ball to be played. There are heaps of pebbles to run their fingers through. There is a hammock to swing on. They are happy. I see Rascal close his eyes and lift his face up as a breeze sweeps over the yard and I know he is like his mama. He is a child with spring in his heart.

All too soon the days will grow far too warm for my taste and these beautiful spring days will turn into hot mosquito filled agony for me. So for now I'm treasuring these beautiful days and hoping they stretch out as long as possible. Our first spring with our house and our yard, and the promise of many years to come. Happy spring, my babies.

A Writer?

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a writer. I've never thought of myself as one. I'm just a girl with a blog, with an "interesting" life.

I started blogging, years ago, to talk about life with Diva Girl. Mostly just out of town friends and family read it to keep up with her, but it was very much for myself. I loved writing about our daily life, knowing that I could look back for years to come on those early days. As the diagnosis came, I went silent for a while. And then? Then, I started blogging to deal with it all. It has been the best therapy I could ask for. 

Over time, we have added more kids. More special needs. And more than just family and a handful of friends read this. 

In the last few months, I've gotten comments from many telling me that they love reading this blog. It always comes as a surprise. And they say "You are such a great writer!" Ever since diagnosis number three, I've even been told that I should start writing a book (HA!)  And I just kind of laugh and shrug. Because I can't help but think they are just being polite, giving a compliment they don't really mean. I mean, I'm not a writer. My husband is a writer, working on both fiction and non fiction, as well as his blog. My dear friend A, who is working on a trilogy- she is a writer. Me? With my little posts on how my daughter is a cat and birthday parties and head colds? Not so much.

But then, I find myself realizing that I really do love to write these little posts. In the last week or so, I've thought of several different things to write about. I just can't seem to get my thoughts organized and written down. I can't seem to be able to get a grasp on how to write about these subjects, since I am feeling rather emotional about them. I thought to myself- maybe I'm just done with this whole blog thing. Maybe I don't really have anything left that I want to say, maybe I just need to keep all this stuff to myself. But I realized that I didn't want to quit, because day after day I click on "New Post" and try again, often writing a sentence and then deleting it immediately. So today, as I stared at the blank space, a phrase came to mind. Writer's block.

Huh.

I guess it's time to stop fighting the title. I may never write a book. I may never write a post that gets pinned or makes the rounds on facebook. Maybe I don't use big words and start to many sentences with "But" and "And" and suck at sentence structure. Maybe I overuse bold and italics. But I love to write. I love to share my thoughts and feelings and experiences with people near and far, friends and strangers. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone and a little less misunderstood. Thank you to my Autism Moms who read along and commiserate. Big hugs to my friends who read to understand my life and my kids. Many of you know that I've been all about a journey of self discovery lately. Thanks for helping me discover one more thing- Like it or not, I'm a writer.

Changes, changes, everywhere!

Well, hello there. Did you miss me?

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Let's recap:
I went out of town to a conference on 7/24
I came back on 7/28
We commenced moving into our new home on 7/29
Diva Girl's last day at the therapy center that she's attended for three and a half years on 7/31
Diva Girl and Rascal's first day at their new school on 8/1

Guys. I'm a mess.

Now, these changes are all great, grand, wonderful! It's just that they are happening all at once. But, in the end, I'm so very glad things have played out this way. Yes, it's been chaotic and it feels like I can't quite catch my breath. However, the past week has not only stretched my sanity, it's stretched my imagination.

I've never been a big dreamer. I'm practical to a fault. The conference I went to, I have attended once before, and my "practical" side kept me from enjoying it. See, I was surrounded by all of these positive, amazing women...and all I could think was "Yeah right, like I could ever be that successful. Or that happy. They are probably just faking it anyway. And even if they aren't, I don't even want to be like them. So there."

Real mature, right? The green of jealousy does not look good on me.

I ended up quitting my business not too long after that conference, convinced that I didn't have time for it and that it was probably just not for me anyway. Diva Girl was newly diagnosed, and I saw the few simple dreams I already had slipping away.

For the last few years, I've done a lot of focusing on the negative. The challenges faced, the sacrifices, the frustrations. As upbeat as I try to be, the back of my mind is always working on an unhealthy dose of anxiety and pessimism. With the diagnosis of Vlad, my inner voice took a pretty dark tone. All I could really think was- we will never have enough money, they will never have what they deserve, we will have three children who are dependent upon us forever, and poverty and depression will be my constant companions until the day I die. Yes, that was what I thought, behind smiles and the jokes.

And I am ashamed of myself.

That inner voice is bound to whisper again from time to time, but the past two weeks have changed my inner dialog drastically. This time, when I was surrounded by amazing and positive women, I found myself asking "Why not me?" I found myself realizing that I was going home to a new house that I never thought was possible. That my third child would be going to a therapy center that we have never been able to afford, but have been a part of for three and a half years. That week to week, we have people help us and reach out to us. Dreams have been fulfilled before I even knew that I should dream them.

So, why not imagine a better future? Heck, why not imagine a better now? And not just imagine it, but work towards it, sacrifice for it. Why not say "I can. They can. We can." Why not plan a vow renewal for our tenth anniversary (two years away tomorrow!) and a family trip to Disney? Why not plan on three kids going to college? It's all possible. And maybe it won't all happen the exact way I hope it to, but isn't it better to reach for the stars and make it to the clouds, than stay planted to the ground because I didn't even look up? I think it is.

So, here I am. In my new-to-us home. Working harder and dreaming bigger than I ever have before. And it feels pretty good, even if I am still a mess. Don't worry guys- there are some things that never change.

For the Love of Money

Money. It makes the world go round. You need it, you love it, you hate it.

If you've ever known poverty, you may understand what I mean when I say that money is my obsession. My life often seems to revolve around our lack of money. I am constantly trying to think of how I can stretch it, where I should spend it, and how I can make more of it. Nothing can make me feel more ill or bring me to a panic attack more quickly than thinking about finances, or our financial future.

I keep expecting things to change. I keep looking to the future and expecting to be in a better spot, only to find myself still struggling when I get there. I was never one to think I was going to end up with some large house and a nice nest egg. I did marry a pastor, so I knew that in all likelihood, there would be a whole lot more "poorer" than "richer". But autism changed not only how we would spend our money, it seriously impacted our ability to bring it in in the first place. And with each diagnosis, I felt our future financial stability crumble bit by bit.

Autism families struggle to pay the bills. Whatever money we have goes to giving our kids the best shot at success. I've seen families that are easily middle class still struggle with keeping the lights on. It happens much more than you would ever believe. To add to the stress of the now, we also look to the future and have no idea what to expect and what kind of help our kids may need for the rest of their lives. My kids may grow up to be financially independent. Or they may not. I can't count on either, but have to prepare for the likelihood that they will need us. Considering that I am currently able to provide for them fully, this thought overwhelms me. Every bit of pride I have just cowers in shame and fear.

I don't feel like a bad parent because I sometimes yell. I don't feel like a bad parent because I let them watch plenty of Disney movies or don't play outside enough. I feel like a bad parent because I need help just to keep them clothed and fed and housed and therapied (is that a word?) People tell me all the time that my kids are lucky to have been born into this family and so often I think that if they were lucky, they would have been born into a family that had plenty of money to care for their distinct and sometimes overwhelming needs.

I know that money holds too much power over me. When I drift off to sleep, night after night, trying to calculate how much I need to sell to make ends meet, I know that I've reached an unhealthy place. When a little light blinks on the dashboard of my minivan and it causes an instant pounding in my heart and drop in my stomach, I've reached an unhealthy place.  The fact that money brings about such strong feelings of shame and embarrassment and jealousy...well, that's not the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be the kind of person that works hard and goes to bed at night knowing that I've done my best. And letting that be enough. I want to be the kind of person who looks at pictures of my friends on vacation and is happy for them, not envious. Yes, our financial situation needs to change. There are things I can do to work towards that, and I am doing them. But more importantly, my attitude about money needs to change.

I don't want to let money (or my lack of it) rob me of joy. Life won't get put on hold until my finances look better. And let's be honest- would I suddenly find myself full of happiness the moment my bank account has more zeros? Probably not. Especially if I spend my whole life obsessing over money and feeding into negativity and misery.

So, today I'm going to start. I'm going to be grateful for the help we've had instead of ashamed. I'm going to be grateful for the home we are moving into instead of obsessing over what we can't buy for it. I'm going to enjoy my children today and hope for the best for their futures.

There are so many people in my life to cherish...I'll save my love for them.

It's About Them

In case I've given you the wrong impression about how highly others think of me, I want to clarify my last post (Read: The Help)

It isn't about me. People don't do all this fabulous stuff for my family because I am awesome (though, on a good day, I totally am.) They do it because they love my kids. Because my kids are completely and entirely lovable. And hugable. And adorable. I mean....

That is some serious cute. People volunteer to take the kids for an afternoon because, for the most part, my kids are a delight to be around. They are bright, affectionate children. They challenge everyone they are around, they inspire people to be a better version of themselves. My friends love getting to marvel at their growth and getting to witness their progress firsthand. So yeah, people want to feed them and care for them and help me be a good mom to them. It's instinct to want to take care of those you love.

Me? I'm nothing special. But them? Oh, they are special, so very special. In more ways than you could possibly believe.

The Help

We are on week two of The Husband being out of town (Read: Just Us)

Everyone is still alive and I am still very sleep deprived. I did have enough White Chocolate Mocha to keep a normal person awake until tomorrow morning, but I'm just hoping it gets me through the kids' bedtime.

The truth is, I've gotten a LOT of help. Like, people have bought and delivered groceries to our door kind of help. They have sent dinners, watched a kid or two, and checked in on me daily. 

Does that sound a bit ridiculous to you? A bit of overkill considering that women go without husbands all the time and survive without a small army of aid?

To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed at all the help I've been getting. I mean, really, what does it say about me? That I can't raise my kids on my own. That I'm incompetent. That I have no idea what to do when The Husband is gone. That I am a total drama queen. Yes, at first I felt, well....ashamed that I couldn't function just fine without him for a week or two. 

But when I expressed this to a friend, she put things in perspective for me. First- my kids aren't normal. That's just a fact, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that fact. As awesome as my kids are, they also make even the most basic of everyday tasks incredibly difficult at times. Have you ever tried to go grocery shopping with three kids on the spectrum? I have. It ended with a lot of tears, no groceries, and made for a really good session with my therapist. Autism times three is just plain hard. I don't say that for pity or back pats. It just is. And I have enough friends with kids on the spectrum that understand that having a child with autism can be difficult, and knowing that I am home, alone, with three of them....well, is it any wonder that many have stepped up and stepped in to help? 

Which leads to the second- People want to help, and they deserve a big thanks for it, not just me being embarrassed over their generosity. I'm flat out in awe of how many people, some of them not even particularly close to me, have made sure me and my kids are fed and happy this week. If you are one of them- THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much you have meant to me.

Truth is, I worry a lot about the fact that taking care of all three of my own children is often just too difficult for me to do on my own. I try to tell myself it is simply their ages, and that as they get older it will be easier. I'm not entirely convinced, but it keeps me from wanting to vomit when I think about the future. It makes me so incredibly sad that if I want to go somewhere with my own kids, I can't do it on my own. A trip to the zoo? A morning at the library's storytime? A quick run to the store? I have never done any of those things with all three children by myself. At least not successfully. And I know that this is because I shouldn't, because it simply isn't safe to have three kids who don't even respond well to their names and have zero sense of danger out of the house with only two hands to manage them, but that doesn't make the reality of it any easier to swallow. As a mother, feeling like I can't even take care of my own flesh and blood is just plain heartbreaking at times. There is still a part of me that feels like I should be able to manage on my own. But I know that part of me is just my pride speaking and my pride is completely impractical. I'll have to shut it up with some reason. And maybe a baseball bat.

So yeah, I will happily accept the boatload of help that has come our way this week. I will gladly shout my Thanks from the rooftops. I couldn't do it on my own, I needed each one of you. Maybe one day I won't need it. But while I do, I am so very glad you are here. You, my friends, ROCK.