Belated Birthday

For those of you who didn't notice, I had a birthday this past weekend.

For those of you who did notice, I'm sure you're thinking This is a grown woman, when will she shut up about her birthday already? Soon, I promise you.

Last year I wrote a little diddy about what I wanted to do before I hit thirty. I have another year to go, but it's fun to look back and see the things on that list that I can cross off. But even more fun is to look back on the past year at all the things I've done that didn't make it on that list.

- I got a job. Like, a thing where I show up and someone pays me for doing things pretty decently. I hadn't had a job outside of the house since the day I went into labor with Diva Girl, and I was so nervous. Nervous no one would hire me, nervous I couldn't do the job if someone did hire me. But I found a great spot for myself with really wonderful co-workers and the most understanding boss in the entire universe. Not too shabby.

- I filed for divorce. Big, scary, grown up thing to do. Not a fun process to say the least. But it needed to happen.

- I figured out what I like. It turns out that for many years I've just sort of absorbed what other people liked and never took the time to figure myself out. And you know what? I'm pretty awesome and pretty lame at the same time. I LOVE pop music, winged eyeliner, rum and coke, high waist A-line dresses, and trying new places to eat. I still don't like driving.

- I've grown as a Mama. I used to always be afraid that I was a bad mother. I'm not anymore. I love my kids with all of my heart and have had to do a lot of hard things for them this year, including some of the things listed above. The time I do spend with them now is more precious to me. And maybe they were even a wee bit too dependent on their Mama. Watching them grow is a beautiful thing.

-I got meds. You guys, this is really one of those things that people don't talk about but I go there anyways. It turns out that crying a lot and being kind of mean and not wanting to do anything is not really me! That is Depression/Anxiety Mamasab. The real me is here! The real me still cries over ridiculous things, but not all day long, and she is actually this really motivated and humourous person who likes sunshine and rainbows and singing really loudly in the car. I feel like myself. Meds don't magically make your life better, but the right ones can enable you to handle your life better.

- I got my nose peirced. Wanted to do that since I was 15. Also, I did get that tattoo and I will get more as soon as humanly possible (in other words, I need mo money.)

-I made a bunch of new friends. Met a ton of new people. That isn't an easy thing for socially inept me, but I'm so glad I did it.

-I kept a handful of old friends. The people who have been through the tough stuff with me and are still around? You are priceless. Many people either dropped me or had to be kicked out of my life because they were downright destructive. But I fought for some friendships, and they are absolutely worth it.

- I went back to school. Third time is a charm, right? But seriously, this is my time. I'm still pretty sure I must be crazy to take this on right now, but playing it safe hasn't been in my vocabulary this year.

-I loved. And have been loved in return. And that is the best gift I could have given myself.

Next year is the big 3-0. I can't possibly top the major spoilage that happened this year, but I'm thinking I can't imagine anything better than a big party. Who's in?

Me smiling the big birthday grin I had all weekend

Should Be

I should be doing schoolwork right now.

The kids are all in bed for the night. The house is quiet and the laundry is caught up on but all I can think of is all the things I should be doing. The dishes. The writing assignment. Sweeping.

There is always something to do. There are always expectations to live up to. The should be train of thought can, and often does, quickly derail into the should have.

I should have cooked dinner instead of driving through at McDonald's. I should have taken that kids to that free event on Sunday that I wimped out on. I should have gotten that picture schedule done last month, the kids would be doing better if I'd just done that. I should have finished that assignment before the due date. For that matter....I should have finished school the first time around. Or the second. And I should have come out of the closet ten years ago.

Should.

I don't want to live a life of should bes or should haves. Should is nothing but a burden. Just over a year ago, my life was ruled by should. I felt suffocated by it. At some point the should's of society and religion and family became the voice in my head. Sure, I bucked it sometimes, if it felt safe enough to do so. But there were many many times when I simply operated under the guidelines that I'd developed over the years of what a good wife/mother/christian/student/worker should do instead of what was best for myself or my kids or my sanity.

Don't get me wrong, we all have to live up to our responsibilities. The kids need fed and watered, the house needs cleaned, and if I want to graduate (finally) I need to do my school work. I'm not saying that I'm advocating abandoning your obligations. However, I'm done beating myself up over the little things I do or don't do. If I want to drink a white chocolate mocha that has as many calories as a full meal, and read a book that has nothing to do with schoolwork, I am not going to pay for it later in guilt. And I'm not going to beat myself up for the big things that are in my past. I can't change those things, no matter how much I wish I could. So laying in bed thinking about what I should have done won't do anything but make me sleepy the next morning.

There are things I can do, things I will do, things I flat out won't do. But maybe I'm kicking should out of my personal dictionary. And I'm going to sit here in the silence and do a bit of online window shopping and netflixing before going to be bed. Because I can. Guilt free.

Should Have Beens

It's graduation day!

My newsfeed is full of pictures of caps and gowns and proud smiles. Some of those faces are people who I had classes with just a couple of years ago. Some of them are my age, most of them are younger. One particular happy face belongs to someone I babysat as a teenager. How's that for feeling old.

Today was going to be my graduation day. Again. This is the second time I've watched "my class" go on without me. 

I am a sea of conflicted emotions about all of this.

When I went to college, I had no idea what I was doing. I had zero direction, the only thing I knew I wanted out of life was a family. I never thought of myself as the kind of person who wanted a career. I was an English major for about one semester. Then I switched to Interpersonal Communications (which is what exactly?!) just because I wanted the nice professor to by my advisor. Really solid reasoning, there.

Most people assume that I quit school because I got married young and got pregnant right away. Fact is, I walked away from school (before I was pregnant!) because I had no motivation. I am a perfectionist, so I was killing myself to make straight A's. And for what? Just to say I made straight A's, studying something I hated? I was miserable. And the stress caused me to have a major panic attack one night, and after that I made the decision to just be done.

I told everyone I was taking a year off, but I'm not sure that I ever really intended to go back. I found out a few months later that I was pregnant with Diva Girl, and I dove into motherhood without looking back. There was that one day, graduation day, when most of my friends walked across the stage and I was wistful. But overall, I was happy with my decision. 

And then more life happened. Diva Girl got her diagnosis. The Husband finished his degree. And then I decided to go back and finish, but this time as a Special Ed major. It felt right. I wanted to homeschool Diva Girl, create a homeschool program for children with autism, I had a PLAN! I had a purpose! 

I also had another kid, Rascal, with a new diagnosis. Oooookay, well, then it was just more important to succeed. And then I got pregnant with Vlad. Okay, kind of shakes up the plan a bit. But onward I trudged, determined to make my straight A's, even with 2 kids with autism at home and a husband working full time and the hardest pregnancy I'd had. I'm not quite sure how we all survived that mess.

Of course, I took a semester off to have Vlad. As the date to return to school loomed closer, I was riddled with anxiety. So, I decided to take more time. I still held tight to The Plan, though things had started to change a bit. It wasn't until I actually started to homeschool Diva Girl that the entire plan came unraveled. Turns out she hates it. Not just hates it- cannot, will not, stomach it. She stopped talking, stopped leaving her room, completely freaked us all out. She didn't even want me talking to her after a couple of weeks. Still, I wanted to stick with The Plan. I mean, I always swore I would homeschool my children. I remember making that decision at the ripe age of 16 (and really, what kind of weirdo is making decisions about their future children at 16? This girl!) It may have taken a small intervention from her therapists, but I finally acknowledged that homeschooling is not for us.

And with that, The Plan died. What's the point in going back and completing a degree I'll never use? That I don't even enjoy? 

I have zero time for finishing a degree. I, to this day, have about as much idea of what I should major in as I did the day I entered my dorm room at 17 years old. But still. I look at the pictures. The pictures of the silly hats and the smiling faces and the proud displays of diplomas. And I want that. I want to finish. If for no other reason than to at least get something out of the thousands of dollars in loans that I have hanging over my head. To cross off one thing on the bucket list. To say I did it.

I just need time. And money.

And a clue of what on earth to major in.

Oh wait, I just remembered. Group projects. Nevermind, I really don't need a degree, do I?

See? Conflicted.