A New Anniversary

I can't believe it's been a year. A year ago I wrote this and I pretty much decided to completely change my life. I was naive and scared and I had no idea the roller coaster I was in for.

I have no regrets.

Change isn't easy. You don't just wake up one day and think "you know, I think I'll make my life harder today!" But starting over, for me, was first a realization. Then that realization grew and one day I did wake up and said "I'm ready." And now, looking back, I realize that I wasn't ready at all! There is no way to prepare yourself for a total life upheaval. There just isn't. You take the step and feel the air under your feet and hope beyond hope that you land softly.

So, I think the thing people want to know is how the kids and I are doing now.

Me? I still find myself in awe when I describe myself and my life. A year ago I didn't even have my own bank account. Now I just started a new job at one of my favorite places in the whole world (Starbucks. Of course.) I had to learn how to pay bills, along with how to shop at Home Depot and how to kill spiders. And I learned the pride that comes with seeing that paycheck and watching it provide for your needs. Sounds so simple, but it really isn't. Last year we had a Christmas tree with presents all around it. And every one of those presents was provided by some amazing people who love our family. This year, there will be one present for each kid. Those are the presents that I bought and picked with care, and I have to say that I am bursting with excitement over the upcoming Christmas morning. While I am beyond grateful for what we received last year, I am so very proud of our "pauper" Christmas. And I have no doubt my kids will smile just as much.

My new job is coming with two big advantages. One is that I will have insurance. I have not, in my adult life, had dental or vision insurance. When you have my faulty teeth and eyes, that is a major problem. I could weep with relief. The second advantage is that they will be paying for the completion of my degree. Yes, finally, I'm finishing that up! I've already got a semester under my belt and I'm loving it. Yes, the deadlines might kill me and finals gave me an ulcer, but I'm loving it, I promise!

And those are the labels that I find myself wearing. A part time employee, a full time student, and a full time mom. Because even when you share custody, the mom thing is always and forever. I am still getting used to the custody part. While I'm not yet officially a divorcee (which sounds like such a cool word, very misleading) we do have a parenting plan in place and I'm glad. The kids get great quality time with each of their parents and I think they are thriving. While this isn't what anyone plans and hopes for when they first have kids, it isn't as horrific as I'd once thought. My little loves have consistency and they have a Mom and Dad who love them. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it never is. It never was. The progress that they have made in the past year is just astounding to me. A year ago I was worried about regressions and possible behavior problems and speech troubles and all the things that might happen. The road hasn't been bump free but these kids are rocking life right now. I'm so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming.

There is also this big part of my life that you don't hear me talk much about but that doesn't make it any less. I love a woman. And she loves me. She has a little boy with autism and I love him too. I want everyone that reads this to know that just typing this tiny little paragraph makes me smile like you wouldn't believe.

I didn't know that life could be this beautiful and this hard and this rewarding. I'm so very glad I took the step. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. If you are thinking about changing your entire life, think hard. Because it is hard, in case I haven't mentioned that enough. But for me? Worth it. Oh so very worth it.

The Things We Don't Talk About

You guys know I'm all about being real around here, so get ready for a big old dose of my reality.

I have an anxiety disorder. (Not sure what that means? Hop over here and get a quick overview)

Yes, it's a mental health disorder. Which means that people generally don't talk about it. And no, it doesn't mean that I'm just a little stressed out with everything (ahem, the three kids) and so I have anxiety.

It started around 2nd or 3rd grade for me. I called home from school several times a week with stomach aches, begging to go home. It got to the point where I had to practically be bleeding from the head to be allowed to go call my mom because I had stomach aches every single day. I know they must have thought I was faking it. But I really did have those stomach aches every day, they were a symptom of anxiety...I just wasn't old enough to understand that yet. I came to just think that's how things were, that I was supposed to walk around feeling like there was a ball of lead in my stomach.

The panic attacks started in puberty.

I've had a brief reprieve from anxiety, a couple of years where the knot in my stomach and the constant worrying were gone. But almost two years ago, it started creeping back. And that is why I am writing about it now.

My anxiety in the past few months has been the worst it has ever been in my life.

My anxiety manifests itself in a fear of calling people on the phone, generally. Yes, that may sound silly to you. Which is why I tend to not talk about this. But "simple" things like calling a doctor's office or a new friend can take a huge amount of effort on my part. This is always, always there...but when my anxiety is "down" I can manage it and make the calls without too much extra effort. When my anxiety is mild, I may have to work up to making the calls. When my anxiety is high, I can't make them.

That's how it's always been.

Well, these last few months have been a whole new level of crazy for me. I've always been able to call my mom, she is my best friend in the whole world. Well, it got to a point where I couldn't even call her. Then, I started being unable to answer calls. And then? Lately, I've been almost completely unable to answer texts and emails.

You have no idea how deeply embarrassed I am to even admit this. I know this makes no sense. I know I should be able to do these things.

The hardest part is that it has been affecting, well, everything. Mainly, our finances. Because, guess what my business requires me to do?? CALL PEOPLE. Every day. Not doing that has made my business pretty much dry up and completely go to dust. Which means that I haven't been able to bring in money. Which has increased my anxiety, because we kind of need that money to, you know, feed the kids. And the more anxious I get about being unable to do my job, the less I am able to do my job.

I have never felt more scared and helpless. It's like being stuck in a loop of self destruction.

So, why am I choosing to go public with such a private struggle? Well, two reasons, really:

Because I know I'm not alone. Maybe for you it isn't anxiety and phone calls, maybe you suffer from depression or some other mental health disorder. Even though I know I am not alone, I need to feel like I'm not alone right now, and I bet someone else needs that too.

And because I'm not above asking for help. Yes, I am in therapy right now. But, to really put myself out there, I need help restarting my business. For my local friends, if you think you can be of any help in that area please let me know. Otherwise, I want you to give me a call. Maybe not today (not sure I could handle 100 phone calls in one day!) but sometime in the next few weeks. I am going to work on answering my phone again, and making calls (so if you get a phone call from me soon, know that you are special to me!) My therapist says I just have to start facing it and break the fear cycle. May sound simple but I'm breaking out into a sweat just writing about it.

So, there you go. I've got issues, you guys. But while I may be afraid of picking up the phone, I don't ever again want to be afraid of talking about this. Because it is real and it is me and it should be nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, give me a virtual hug, I'm going to go eat some ice cream, writing this post has stressed me out.

The image I will be thinking of whenever I get on the phone this week: The road to wellness has a sunset of course

For the Love of Money

Money. It makes the world go round. You need it, you love it, you hate it.

If you've ever known poverty, you may understand what I mean when I say that money is my obsession. My life often seems to revolve around our lack of money. I am constantly trying to think of how I can stretch it, where I should spend it, and how I can make more of it. Nothing can make me feel more ill or bring me to a panic attack more quickly than thinking about finances, or our financial future.

I keep expecting things to change. I keep looking to the future and expecting to be in a better spot, only to find myself still struggling when I get there. I was never one to think I was going to end up with some large house and a nice nest egg. I did marry a pastor, so I knew that in all likelihood, there would be a whole lot more "poorer" than "richer". But autism changed not only how we would spend our money, it seriously impacted our ability to bring it in in the first place. And with each diagnosis, I felt our future financial stability crumble bit by bit.

Autism families struggle to pay the bills. Whatever money we have goes to giving our kids the best shot at success. I've seen families that are easily middle class still struggle with keeping the lights on. It happens much more than you would ever believe. To add to the stress of the now, we also look to the future and have no idea what to expect and what kind of help our kids may need for the rest of their lives. My kids may grow up to be financially independent. Or they may not. I can't count on either, but have to prepare for the likelihood that they will need us. Considering that I am currently able to provide for them fully, this thought overwhelms me. Every bit of pride I have just cowers in shame and fear.

I don't feel like a bad parent because I sometimes yell. I don't feel like a bad parent because I let them watch plenty of Disney movies or don't play outside enough. I feel like a bad parent because I need help just to keep them clothed and fed and housed and therapied (is that a word?) People tell me all the time that my kids are lucky to have been born into this family and so often I think that if they were lucky, they would have been born into a family that had plenty of money to care for their distinct and sometimes overwhelming needs.

I know that money holds too much power over me. When I drift off to sleep, night after night, trying to calculate how much I need to sell to make ends meet, I know that I've reached an unhealthy place. When a little light blinks on the dashboard of my minivan and it causes an instant pounding in my heart and drop in my stomach, I've reached an unhealthy place.  The fact that money brings about such strong feelings of shame and embarrassment and jealousy...well, that's not the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be the kind of person that works hard and goes to bed at night knowing that I've done my best. And letting that be enough. I want to be the kind of person who looks at pictures of my friends on vacation and is happy for them, not envious. Yes, our financial situation needs to change. There are things I can do to work towards that, and I am doing them. But more importantly, my attitude about money needs to change.

I don't want to let money (or my lack of it) rob me of joy. Life won't get put on hold until my finances look better. And let's be honest- would I suddenly find myself full of happiness the moment my bank account has more zeros? Probably not. Especially if I spend my whole life obsessing over money and feeding into negativity and misery.

So, today I'm going to start. I'm going to be grateful for the help we've had instead of ashamed. I'm going to be grateful for the home we are moving into instead of obsessing over what we can't buy for it. I'm going to enjoy my children today and hope for the best for their futures.

There are so many people in my life to cherish...I'll save my love for them.