Belated Birthday

For those of you who didn't notice, I had a birthday this past weekend.

For those of you who did notice, I'm sure you're thinking This is a grown woman, when will she shut up about her birthday already? Soon, I promise you.

Last year I wrote a little diddy about what I wanted to do before I hit thirty. I have another year to go, but it's fun to look back and see the things on that list that I can cross off. But even more fun is to look back on the past year at all the things I've done that didn't make it on that list.

- I got a job. Like, a thing where I show up and someone pays me for doing things pretty decently. I hadn't had a job outside of the house since the day I went into labor with Diva Girl, and I was so nervous. Nervous no one would hire me, nervous I couldn't do the job if someone did hire me. But I found a great spot for myself with really wonderful co-workers and the most understanding boss in the entire universe. Not too shabby.

- I filed for divorce. Big, scary, grown up thing to do. Not a fun process to say the least. But it needed to happen.

- I figured out what I like. It turns out that for many years I've just sort of absorbed what other people liked and never took the time to figure myself out. And you know what? I'm pretty awesome and pretty lame at the same time. I LOVE pop music, winged eyeliner, rum and coke, high waist A-line dresses, and trying new places to eat. I still don't like driving.

- I've grown as a Mama. I used to always be afraid that I was a bad mother. I'm not anymore. I love my kids with all of my heart and have had to do a lot of hard things for them this year, including some of the things listed above. The time I do spend with them now is more precious to me. And maybe they were even a wee bit too dependent on their Mama. Watching them grow is a beautiful thing.

-I got meds. You guys, this is really one of those things that people don't talk about but I go there anyways. It turns out that crying a lot and being kind of mean and not wanting to do anything is not really me! That is Depression/Anxiety Mamasab. The real me is here! The real me still cries over ridiculous things, but not all day long, and she is actually this really motivated and humourous person who likes sunshine and rainbows and singing really loudly in the car. I feel like myself. Meds don't magically make your life better, but the right ones can enable you to handle your life better.

- I got my nose peirced. Wanted to do that since I was 15. Also, I did get that tattoo and I will get more as soon as humanly possible (in other words, I need mo money.)

-I made a bunch of new friends. Met a ton of new people. That isn't an easy thing for socially inept me, but I'm so glad I did it.

-I kept a handful of old friends. The people who have been through the tough stuff with me and are still around? You are priceless. Many people either dropped me or had to be kicked out of my life because they were downright destructive. But I fought for some friendships, and they are absolutely worth it.

- I went back to school. Third time is a charm, right? But seriously, this is my time. I'm still pretty sure I must be crazy to take this on right now, but playing it safe hasn't been in my vocabulary this year.

-I loved. And have been loved in return. And that is the best gift I could have given myself.

Next year is the big 3-0. I can't possibly top the major spoilage that happened this year, but I'm thinking I can't imagine anything better than a big party. Who's in?

Me smiling the big birthday grin I had all weekend

Things I Learn: Field Trip Edition

Today I went on my first public school field trip as a parent. Here is what I learned:

- Calling a friend "Miss Pee Pee" is hilarious, but "Miss Poo Poo" is an insult.

- Kids cheer for all kinds of stuff. Pass a house with cool Halloween decor? YAAAAAY! See a cow? YAAAAAAY! Arrive or leave anyplace? YAAAAAAAAAY!

- Six year olds think I can pass for Diva Girl's older sister.

- Dive Girl rarely eats things that I send for lunch and that she typically adores at home.

-Pumpkin picking is serious business.

-Cows like eating pumpkins.

-Typical children never stop talking. Or asking questions.

- Parents are free to completely ignore the "NO SIBLINGS ALLOWED!!!!!" that was on every bit of field trip info sent home. Or so it seemed.

- Diva Girl's aide is awesome. So is her regular education teacher. We totally lucked out.

- Even Kindergarten kids can tell when you have about zero authority.

- Your appearance is fair game for a discussion topic among a group of kids, right as though you weren't standing there.

-I was not meant to have typical children. Truly, I have no patience for them. So much talking you guys...and they always expect answers! That's just weird.

- My girl has friends. Friends. I cannot even describe how that feels. To hear another child say "Mama, this is Diva Girl and she is my good friend, we play on the playground together!" Words I will never forget.

Free To Change

I've always been a rather opinionated gal about certain things. Opinionated and, um, enthusiastic.

When I first started having kids, I was practically a hippie (not really, but that's what people tend to call us natural minded types.) I think all I could talk about during Diva Girl's first year of life was breastfeeding and natural birthing and vaccines and cloth diapers and baby carriers. I plunged head first into what was essentially a new culture to me.

Then autism came along. And while I was still having babies and caring about all of those things above, my focus switched. I inhaled books and studies and therapy ideas. For a solid three years, my focus was on autism, and early on I formed just as many strong opinions on how to be an autism mom as I did when I was focused on being a good attachment parenting mom.

Oh, how time changes things.

I think I may be both a less and more judgmental person now.

I gave up on cloth diapering with Vlad. When he weaned himself at 14 months, I was relieved. I am even reconsidering my stance on vaccinations (insert gasp here.) My kids eat chicken nuggets more than is possibly healthy. And for a woman who was allllll about attachment parenting and had planned to homeschool, I am more than happy to wave goodbye to all three kids every Monday morning. Getting in the highest  amount of therapy is no longer a priority. I go days without reading anything autism related, and even actively avoid reading the latest "Scientists discover the maybe, thinly possible, not actually proven link to the cause of autism!"

Admitting some of this is hard. Nobody wants to be the person who shouts an opinion from the mountaintops, only to recant later down the road. It makes me feel like a flake.

But the truth is, change is good. Change means that you are a growing, living, learning person. I'm still a judgmental person because I judge the person I used to be, and those who I meet who are like that. The ones who know it all. Who think that being right is better than being nice.

Honestly, I'm still there. I have those moments. You know, when someone says something on facebook and I see it as my duty to let them know just how wrong they are. Ugh, I can be utterly obnoxious.

I am learning. Learning how to change without being embarrassed by it. How to look at how other's are doing things differently without feeling as though it is a statement against what I am doing. I'm learning how to check out of the grocery store without being embarrassed by the dichotomy between the organic baby spinach and dino shaped chicken nuggets. Embracing being a happily public schooling attachment parent.
Learning how to adapt. And how to own up to my shortcomings both past and present.

I'm sure I will be passionate about something again, only to change my mind later on. Feel free to not point that out to me. Just love me anyway, flaws and all. I'll try to give you the same courtesy.

Fraternizing with Typical Folk

Today I met up with a local group of moms at a coffee house, with Vlad and Diva Girl in tow.

Crazy part of this story? They all had typical kids. It wasn't a meetup of the mom's in my special needs group, or of the ones from the autism therapy center. Just a group of local moms that generally follow attachment parenting. Did you even know that I did that? I'm a homebirthing, babywearing, former cloth diapering, cosleeping, hippie. Believe it or not, I have interests and an identity outside of autism.

Or at least, that's what I like to tell myself.

Honestly, I've stuck mostly with my autism mom friends for the past few years. I have a couple of close friends who have walked through this whole thing with me that have typical children, or no children at all. But in general, I don't go seeking out anyone outside of Autism World.

So, why did I this time? I'm not entirely sure. I guess that sometimes I get tired of my life revolving around autism, especially when there are other aspects of my parenting that I enjoy talking about. This group also meets up to walk/run/hike....all these things I think about doing and want to do, but never actually do. I've been a part of this group on facebook for a good 6 months and still hadn't attended a single meetup even though I had the best of intentions. Why? Because, well, I was scared.

I was scared that I would talk too much and have too little in common with them.
I was scared they would judge my kids. Judge my parenting.
I was scared that no one would talk to me.
I was scared that I wouldn't be able to shut up about autism.
I was scared that they would pity me.
I was scared that I would be jealous of them.

You know what? None of that happened. I mean, I did talk a bit too much about autism. Not sure if I can altogether help that. But I also talked about babywearing and beauty and houses and all these other gloriously normal things. My kids were great. Vlad tottered around and then passed out while snuggling with me in his carrier. Diva Girl munched on ice and crackers and played on her iPad. She may not have seemed social, but she had a blast. Everyone was nice. I laughed, and related, and was only slightly awkward. I didn't just survive that gathering, I actually enjoyed myself!

I can't help but wonder how many times I've deprived myself from going out and enjoying time with others based on those fears. They aren't completely irrational fears, I have good reasons for every one of them. People have been ignorant and hurtful at times. And at other times, I have been too deep in the depths of the grieving process to allow myself to enjoy the company of those who don't understand this journey. But I don't have a good reason to let those experiences stop me from trying again. It's not something that I allow from my children, so why should I push myself any less than I push them? You pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try again. Today, I'm glad I did.

Now, I have no idea what they thought of me. But I think I will go back. I think I can handle just a bit of life outside of the autism bubble. Here's to hoping that they let me stick around.

I confess: I tried really hard to make sure I at least looked normal today/

It's About Them

In case I've given you the wrong impression about how highly others think of me, I want to clarify my last post (Read: The Help)

It isn't about me. People don't do all this fabulous stuff for my family because I am awesome (though, on a good day, I totally am.) They do it because they love my kids. Because my kids are completely and entirely lovable. And hugable. And adorable. I mean....

That is some serious cute. People volunteer to take the kids for an afternoon because, for the most part, my kids are a delight to be around. They are bright, affectionate children. They challenge everyone they are around, they inspire people to be a better version of themselves. My friends love getting to marvel at their growth and getting to witness their progress firsthand. So yeah, people want to feed them and care for them and help me be a good mom to them. It's instinct to want to take care of those you love.

Me? I'm nothing special. But them? Oh, they are special, so very special. In more ways than you could possibly believe.

The Help

We are on week two of The Husband being out of town (Read: Just Us)

Everyone is still alive and I am still very sleep deprived. I did have enough White Chocolate Mocha to keep a normal person awake until tomorrow morning, but I'm just hoping it gets me through the kids' bedtime.

The truth is, I've gotten a LOT of help. Like, people have bought and delivered groceries to our door kind of help. They have sent dinners, watched a kid or two, and checked in on me daily. 

Does that sound a bit ridiculous to you? A bit of overkill considering that women go without husbands all the time and survive without a small army of aid?

To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed at all the help I've been getting. I mean, really, what does it say about me? That I can't raise my kids on my own. That I'm incompetent. That I have no idea what to do when The Husband is gone. That I am a total drama queen. Yes, at first I felt, well....ashamed that I couldn't function just fine without him for a week or two. 

But when I expressed this to a friend, she put things in perspective for me. First- my kids aren't normal. That's just a fact, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that fact. As awesome as my kids are, they also make even the most basic of everyday tasks incredibly difficult at times. Have you ever tried to go grocery shopping with three kids on the spectrum? I have. It ended with a lot of tears, no groceries, and made for a really good session with my therapist. Autism times three is just plain hard. I don't say that for pity or back pats. It just is. And I have enough friends with kids on the spectrum that understand that having a child with autism can be difficult, and knowing that I am home, alone, with three of them....well, is it any wonder that many have stepped up and stepped in to help? 

Which leads to the second- People want to help, and they deserve a big thanks for it, not just me being embarrassed over their generosity. I'm flat out in awe of how many people, some of them not even particularly close to me, have made sure me and my kids are fed and happy this week. If you are one of them- THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much you have meant to me.

Truth is, I worry a lot about the fact that taking care of all three of my own children is often just too difficult for me to do on my own. I try to tell myself it is simply their ages, and that as they get older it will be easier. I'm not entirely convinced, but it keeps me from wanting to vomit when I think about the future. It makes me so incredibly sad that if I want to go somewhere with my own kids, I can't do it on my own. A trip to the zoo? A morning at the library's storytime? A quick run to the store? I have never done any of those things with all three children by myself. At least not successfully. And I know that this is because I shouldn't, because it simply isn't safe to have three kids who don't even respond well to their names and have zero sense of danger out of the house with only two hands to manage them, but that doesn't make the reality of it any easier to swallow. As a mother, feeling like I can't even take care of my own flesh and blood is just plain heartbreaking at times. There is still a part of me that feels like I should be able to manage on my own. But I know that part of me is just my pride speaking and my pride is completely impractical. I'll have to shut it up with some reason. And maybe a baseball bat.

So yeah, I will happily accept the boatload of help that has come our way this week. I will gladly shout my Thanks from the rooftops. I couldn't do it on my own, I needed each one of you. Maybe one day I won't need it. But while I do, I am so very glad you are here. You, my friends, ROCK. 

On the Road Again

We're on the road again!

Oh this road is so familiar to me. I remember that little side street that we got lost on the first time. And that tree! That's the tree I desperately clung to when I didn't want to move anymore! Ohhhh, and that pond. We sat there and had a little denial picnic once. It was lovely.

Wondering what kind of strange road I'm talking about? A road that is familiar to many of you- the road to a diagnosis.

Yes, we're going public with this. Vlad seems to be on the spectrum. And we find ourselves traveling this road yet again.

It is slightly different than it was. There are new bumps and detours in this road, because each journey has been different. This time around there has been no regression, no terrifying halting of skills. It started with a feeling. A worry. By 8 months old we could see delays. And as time goes on we just see, more and more, almost every red flag there could be. Now, at 14 months old, we are sure. And he has an appointment for an evaluation at the end of May.

This is the hard part. The waiting. Even though I'm sure, I can't help but be anxious. I just want it over with, official, so we can move on with the business of accepting it and getting him the therapy he needs. And dealing with the inevitable emotional fallout.

So, why am I putting this out there? Without an actual diagnosis even? Because this blog is a form of therapy for me. And I feel like maybe this needs to be public. That people need to see what this is like, this long and often lonely road. Yes, we've been down it twice before, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, that may make it even harder.

When we first had kids, I never thought in a million years that we would take this road once, never mind three times. But I'm blessed, because I was taken under the wings of other women who walked the road before me. And now they walk beside me, hand in hand, supporting me. That's the only way to make this journey and maintain a scrap of sanity. So, join with me now. Hold my hand. I need you. He does too.

My Nerves

There are times in life when I feel like Mrs. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice, crying out to everyone around me "Don't you know what this is doing to my poor nerves?!"

Right now is one of those times.

A lot of changes in what feels like a short period of time makes me slightly insane. I have random times when my stomach suddenly hurts and I think of one more thing that I have to do, or buy, or follow up on. Another form to fill out, another meeting to have. I keep waiting for the crazy train to slow down. Maybe I should just accept that it never does, that I'm a permanent passenger. Heck, I guess I'm the conductor.

In twelve days, Rascal starts preschool. In our local school. The one that I swore I'd set my hair on fire before sending my kids to. Oh how quickly things can change! I'm as confident as I'm going to be that this is the right thing to do, the best choice for him among the choices we currently have. But even then, I'm far from confident that this will be easy. There is always that constant doubt, at every turn. Are we doing the right thing? What is best for him? What is best for her? What is best for the family? Is it even possible to do the "best" for each child, or must we accept that no one situation will be perfect? No, I will never be 100% certain of anything we decide to do. I'm not sure it would be wise if I were.

So yes, my nerves are shot. And with us only months away from that all important 15-24 month period for Vlad and Diva Girl entering Kindergarten, I don't see my nerves getting any time to recover any time soon. In times like this I realize that I have to reach out and steady myself. This comes in different ways every day. A dinner with my husband. Coffee with my best girl friends. Diving into a good book. Bible study with my church. These things anchor me, they keep me sane. They remind me that even in the midst of change, some things remain constant: Love, Friendship, Imagination, Faith.

If you don't have some anchor points in your life, you're going to end up drifting in a sea of anxiety. So tell me, how do you handle the stress of change and uncertainty in your life? What calms your nerves?

A Change

A new beginning! I decided to move on over to this new spot. I've made some changes to make my blogging a bit safer for the family. Call it paranoia, but I was getting enough traffic before that I'm no longer comfortable using the kids' real names, having my blog address be my full name, having information on where my kids spend their days. So I've decided to make a fresh start over here, though I will be importing my old posts here (after painstakingly swapping out names!)

In making this change, I am also hoping to keep this alive. Writing has proven to be very therapeutic for me and I've had a few friends tell me that reading it helps them to understand my kids and my life. Advocacy has become very important to me, and I see writing this stuff as a form of advocacy- making others aware of what the reality of life with autism looks like. At least, what it looks like from my perspective, since I'm really an outsider to the REAL world of autism. The world within my beautiful children, the secret that I hope they will one day be able to share with me.

So....onward!