This One's for You

It's been quiet here in my blog. It has not been quiet on the homefront. The past two months have been the most chaotic and intense months of my life. There has been a lot of personal growth and a lot of just plain scary life stuff.

And it has been killing me to stay quiet. At one point I realized that I had to write, so I did. And maybe one day I will publish the posts that I have saved. But right now I'm not quite ready to put that much of me and my life out on display, which is really saying something for the woman who puts everything out there, from my struggle with anxiety to crazy vaccine theory stalkers to the process of getting my kid diagnosed with autism.

To come on here and just  talk about the latest goings on with the kids would have felt somewhat disingenuous. And even now I don't quite know what to say. I just know that I felt the need to not just write for an audience of me. I felt the need to reach out and grab a hand. I felt the need to say "I'm here and I need a friend."

And isn't that the beauty about this? This blog has kept me connected to people I haven't laid eyes on in years and people who I have never met in "real" life. It has made friends and family aware of our struggles and our triumphs. It has kept my thoughts and my words alive, it has captured childhood and motherhood and marriage. There were times when I thought of the blog itself as a sort of friend, but that isn't right....it's all of you. And sometimes my words here haven't gone over well and I've been lost in the good opinion of others. There have been those who don't approve of what I've said. And there will be those who won't approve of the changes my life has undergone in the past few months. But beyond that, I know that there are others. The hand holders, the uplifters, the dance partners. I'm gonna focus on you.

I don't need a flurry of well wishes and concerned messages. I'm not looking to be questioned. It's good enough to just know that you are out there. Wishing me well and loving me. That, my friends, can keep a girl going. And that's what I've got to do- keep going.

Love to you all.

A Writer?

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a writer. I've never thought of myself as one. I'm just a girl with a blog, with an "interesting" life.

I started blogging, years ago, to talk about life with Diva Girl. Mostly just out of town friends and family read it to keep up with her, but it was very much for myself. I loved writing about our daily life, knowing that I could look back for years to come on those early days. As the diagnosis came, I went silent for a while. And then? Then, I started blogging to deal with it all. It has been the best therapy I could ask for. 

Over time, we have added more kids. More special needs. And more than just family and a handful of friends read this. 

In the last few months, I've gotten comments from many telling me that they love reading this blog. It always comes as a surprise. And they say "You are such a great writer!" Ever since diagnosis number three, I've even been told that I should start writing a book (HA!)  And I just kind of laugh and shrug. Because I can't help but think they are just being polite, giving a compliment they don't really mean. I mean, I'm not a writer. My husband is a writer, working on both fiction and non fiction, as well as his blog. My dear friend A, who is working on a trilogy- she is a writer. Me? With my little posts on how my daughter is a cat and birthday parties and head colds? Not so much.

But then, I find myself realizing that I really do love to write these little posts. In the last week or so, I've thought of several different things to write about. I just can't seem to get my thoughts organized and written down. I can't seem to be able to get a grasp on how to write about these subjects, since I am feeling rather emotional about them. I thought to myself- maybe I'm just done with this whole blog thing. Maybe I don't really have anything left that I want to say, maybe I just need to keep all this stuff to myself. But I realized that I didn't want to quit, because day after day I click on "New Post" and try again, often writing a sentence and then deleting it immediately. So today, as I stared at the blank space, a phrase came to mind. Writer's block.

Huh.

I guess it's time to stop fighting the title. I may never write a book. I may never write a post that gets pinned or makes the rounds on facebook. Maybe I don't use big words and start to many sentences with "But" and "And" and suck at sentence structure. Maybe I overuse bold and italics. But I love to write. I love to share my thoughts and feelings and experiences with people near and far, friends and strangers. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone and a little less misunderstood. Thank you to my Autism Moms who read along and commiserate. Big hugs to my friends who read to understand my life and my kids. Many of you know that I've been all about a journey of self discovery lately. Thanks for helping me discover one more thing- Like it or not, I'm a writer.