I always thought I would have a big family. I remember, the day after having Diva Girl I was shuffling down the hospital hallways and a group of people laughingly asked me how many kids I wanted now. Much to their surprise, I joyfully exclaimed "SIX!"
But things change. When I was pregnant with Vlad and Rascal was diagnosed with autism, I thought to myself- that's it. I'm done. I haven't changed my mind since then. In the past few months I've been more and more sure. This is our family, and it is complete.
So with every milestone, there is a bit of bittersweet mixed in. There are a lot of "Last Firsts"
The last first word.
The last first crawl.
The last first food.
Each time I clap with joy and then sigh with wistfulness.
Yesterday marked something different- a Last Last. It was the last time I would ever breastfeed one of my kiddos. This is so emotional for me, more so than I expected!
On the one hand- relief! Our nursing relationship has been rocky, to say the least, and has caused me a lot of pain. I've struggled with it for months, but couldn't bring myself to wean him. And then you consider the fact that I have been nursing and/or pregnant for six years and nine months. Yeeeeeah. That's a long time. So there is this part of me that feels freedom. The freedom to choose clothes without thinking about how I can nurse in them. The freedom to go away for a weekend! (Now I just need the cash to do so)
On the other hand- it's the end of an era. No more sweet quiet moments of holding a baby in my arms. No more magic way to fix a boo boo. Babyhood has left our home forever. Oh, here I go crying....I hear that sudden weaning can cause some hormonal swings....
And please don't tell me I'm young and I can change my mind, yada yada yada. Trust me. I'm sure. Let me have my moment of happiness and heartbreak. Let me have my Last Firsts and Last Lasts.
|Bye Bye Baby!|