Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Last

Vlad is my last baby.

I always thought I would have a big family. I remember, the day after having Diva Girl I was shuffling down the hospital hallways and a group of people laughingly asked me how many kids I wanted now. Much to their surprise, I joyfully exclaimed "SIX!"

But things change. When I was pregnant with Vlad and Rascal was diagnosed with autism, I thought to myself- that's it. I'm done. I haven't changed my mind since then. In the past few months I've been more and more sure. This is our family, and it is complete.

So with every milestone, there is a bit of bittersweet mixed in. There are a lot of "Last Firsts"

The last first word.
The last first crawl.
The last first food.
Each time I clap with joy and then sigh with wistfulness.

Yesterday marked something different- a Last Last. It was the last time I would ever breastfeed one of my kiddos. This is so emotional for me, more so than I expected!

On the one hand- relief! Our nursing relationship has been rocky, to say the least, and has caused me a lot of pain. I've struggled with it for months, but couldn't bring myself to wean him. And then you consider the fact that I have been nursing and/or pregnant for six years and nine months. Yeeeeeah. That's a long time. So there is this part of me that feels freedom. The freedom to choose clothes without thinking about how I can nurse in them. The freedom to go away for a weekend! (Now I just need the cash to do so)

On the other hand- it's the end of an era. No more sweet quiet moments of holding a baby in my arms. No more magic way to fix a boo boo. Babyhood has left our home forever. Oh, here I go crying....I hear that sudden weaning can cause some hormonal swings....

And please don't tell me I'm young and I can change my mind, yada yada yada. Trust me. I'm sure. Let me have my moment of happiness and heartbreak. Let me have my Last Firsts and Last Lasts.

Bye Bye Baby!

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